Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Chubby Girl Faces The Glitter Cover Elephant In The Room

The Chubby Girl Faces The Glitter Cover Elephant In The Room
Hello Ladies, Chubby Girl / Cute Belly Dancer here to discuss another big topic that affects me in this world of oriental dance. I’m ready to confront and tackle that Glitter Cover Elephant that’s in the room, her full name My Weight Issue. It’s a name I’m sure allot of people who read my blogs know very well, and even though I have tried many times to simply put her in the corner and look away, her presence bears down on me everyday. So lets map out where I have been so far, first place Courageville, here is where I gather all my courage to even start belly dancing (The Chubby Girl Was Meant To Belly Dance Blog). At first the trip started off real rocky and seem to be a bad idea to begin with, but once I got there I discovered a town that felt like home in my heart and I never want to leave. After settling in for a bit, I decided to take a trip to the pool ( The Chubby Girl Takes A Dip Into The Belly Dance Pool Blog). I wanted to learn more about this dance, so I venture outside my weekly belly dance classes by taking some workshops, even though I was not sure I was ready to do that, I found swimming around with other dancers was a very rewarding experience. Then I decided to go camping ( The Chubby Girl Goes Camp Blog), I packed my bags and went to a belly dance oasis. During the day I learn how to build up my dancing technique and at night, I danced under the stars, I Love Camp! By looking at this map so far you can see there’s allot of great places I have been to and it’s apparent that belly dancing is a big part of my life. It’s not just a exercise I do to keep my body going, it goes way beyond that. I was born to do this dance and I love it with every fiber of my being. At work I daydream about it , and at night in bed I dream about it. But in order to get to those places I had to go through some very bad parts, everyone who has their own map, has them. Here are a few names of mine and they are the ones I’ll be covering in this blog. There’s Bulge City, Winded Valley and USuck Town and in all these places that Glitter Cover Elephant, My Weight Issue, has established herself and is mayor in all of them. Before I start they are two very important things I must say before you read on, here is the first. Now I know I must sound like a annoying parakeet, but I must once again repeat the previous warnings I have said in my other blogs. If you are my friend, what you read might make you feel bad and it can also make you feel uncomfortable to be around me. Those are not my intentions, but I did make a promise to share not only the good things that happen to me when I started to belly dance, but also the bad. Second thing is, does size matter when it comes to being a great belly dancer, and my answer to that is ABSOLUTELY NOT. I have seen many great dancers of all sizes, who’s technique and talent inspire me to be a better dancer. I have been blown away by these big voluptuous belly dancers who love their bodies and they can do moves that would take me years to perfect. To me if they are healthy and happy it’s all good. But this blog is about my weight and how its affected my happiness, health and overall belief in my skills or lack there of . So lets begin.
Welcome to Bulge City, here we guarantee any costume you try on, you will see bulges of your fat stick out. Now lets get one thing clear, I’m not happy with my body, too say I am is a bold face lie. In non-belly dancing mode I take special care to wear things that show the least amount of fat rolls, that stems from high school where I was called troll and fat ass and other names I can‘t bring myself to type out. When I started to belly dance I wear long shirts to cover my hips, I don’t want to see the spare tire underneath and I also didn‘t want other ladies to see it and feel sorry or laugh at me. But when I started dancing more and more I did find allot of women did not care what I look like, they saw me and my dancing. So it did help me get out of my fat shell, just a little though. I found I wanted what every other belly dance enthusiast wants, a beautiful costume to wear. Shopping for a big girl like me is not only a heartache but feels almost like torture. Finding plus size costumes is not easy, and its even harder when you are short, under 5’2 forget about it. Now I have been to conventions, haflas and such and there are people who sell beautiful costumes but they are meant for skinny girls, to find something that fits me is like finding a needle in a haystack. It breaks my heart cause I want so badly just to pick one, try it on and shimmy my heart out. I been blessed with huge boobs on top of that and the biggest coin bra I have tried on, my boobs runneth over, I knew I should not have listen to my sister when she said putting fertilizer on them would make them grow, it would appear I put too much. There are online stores who do sell sale plus size costumes but its is a guarantee that would have to alter them, now I don’t know how to sew and threading a needle takes me at least half hour to do, so that’s out. So the question now is did I ever get the nerve to wear a costume? Yes I did, with support of my fellow dancers and the best two inventions, fashion tape and belly cover ups. Before I joined Bahaia’s student troupe, danced a duet with another dancer and did solos, I knew needed to first get over this fear of showing my belly to the world. Even though I had more in the middle then the other ladies I shared the stage with, to them it was never a issue. Believe me I lived in constant fear that they were embarrassed by my body and I did things that I’m ashamed of. I’ll admit there were a couple of times I could not get over my fear and I made up excuses to bow out of performances (just admitting that brings tears to my eyes) cause I love dancing with all these ladies and seeing them dance on stage without me made my heart sink. For some ladies getting in and out of a costume is not a hard task, but for me its work. On top of that there’s a sort of mixture of sorry/embarrassment when other people have to help you get tape or safety pin in. I can’t even tell you how bad I felt when my duet partner spent more time making sure nothing pop out on me with tape and pin, then she did dressing herself. This city will not knock off my game, the road I take to be more comfortable with my body is hard, but it’s one I gladly take to keep dancing.
You are now approaching Winded Valley, you dance to get in but you crawl to get out. I will say this about myself, I truly think I’m a good dancer, I really do. Not a great one but I’m pretty good. I give credit to the dance teaches I had when I was a kid and to the belly dance teacher I have now. Taking classes and workshops has made my technique better, I’ve seen it. But here’s the thing, even though I’m excited to learn and can’t wait to dance, …my energy level seems to plummet down a deep ravine, and its takes time to crawl back up. I know for a fact I’m not healthy, and like Ace of Base I saw the signs and here they are. Bending over to tie my shoe is hard work for me, when I stand back up I’m breathing hard and I’m dizzy. After doing a beginning warm up I’m tired. When I’m done dancing a choreo a few times I find myself winded. Once at a convention during a workshop I felt like I was going to hit the floor, I ran out so I wouldn’t embarrass myself fainting in front of other people. So no I’m not healthy, I know it and others know it. My family and friends are very concerned for me, they’ve told me more then once. Anything that might prevent me from dancing is a big no no to them, but remember I eat my emotions so its very hard to eat healthy. When I get upset at work instead of eating the banana I have in the fridge I’m looking for the Hershey kisses bag I hid from others. So after writing these blogs I realized my health and my dancing are allot more important to me then that bag of reese buttercups, so I’m working on my diet. So what I’m doing to help my diet? Well I eat several times through out the day and keep my calorie intake to 1,200. I exercise a hour and half six days a week, the first thirty minutes I switch daily from running or weights, then the rest of the hour is concentrated on dancing. I had came up with the idea of 30day Choreo, something that would help my dancing, musicality and stamina. I pick a short song come up with a choreography for it, practice and after thirty days film it and post it. That way I can progress my weight and my dancing. I plan on starting it after camp, so in November. I also gave up my love of diet soda, I was reading a hormone book in March that talked about aspartame, it helps block a signal to your brain that you are full. AHHHHH No wonder I could eat two sandwiches, now I find I’m actually full faster, it worked.!! I do treat myself twice a week, a boba, some ice cream or a snickers bar. So my goal is not to be skinny (I gave up on that a long time ago) its to be healthy and have more energy to dance with my fellow hip shakers. Whether I lose ten or fifty pounds it does not matter. I will leave this town not on my hands and knees, but on my feet.
Good day! How are you? You are now entering USuck Town, here you will find the most unfriendliness people there are on the map and if you leave feeling horrible about yourself, well we have done our job. After entering the world of Raqs Sharki , I have found some of the most friendliest, greatest and sweetest people I know, some I now call my dearest friends. But with the sweets comes the sour. Unfortunately not everyone is friendly in this world of dance, and because of the way I look I have been kicked in the gut and shown I suck plenty of times. This one was very hard to write but to pretend it did not happen is unfair to me and other readers who have had similar experiences. So I’m here to recount a few things that hit me the hardest. Of course there was the first hit before I even dropped a hip, in my first blog I wrote about my first experience trying to dance and the first teach who refuse to teach me, that was a hard face slap to take. The second major hit I took happen to me at a dance competition in Austin, my duet partner and I were there to perform a never before seen routine we had work so hard on. After getting ready, we went to a waiting room filled with other dancers, everybody was talking and go over their routines, it was like entering a hen house full of excited chicks. My partner went to a quiet area to practice with her finger cymbals and I was sitting by myself going over my routine in my head. Even though I was in Austin there were not too many people I knew so I kept to myself. Sure enough I felt strange and heavy, I looked up and there were two girls sitting up against a wall staring at me. For at least good ten minutes , they were looking at me, talking to each other and then look at me some more, and even though they were only twenty feet away I could not hear a word they said (the room was loud). I knew for sure they were talking about me when one them blew up her cheeks and gave herself a double chin, the other one laughed and looked at me. I couldn’t believe it, was I back in high school? Someone I knew and to be honest I can’t remember who ( because I was in shock I think) came up to me to see I how I was and to compliment my skirt. I asked her what was their problem and I nodded my head toward those two vipers, she looked over at them and told me “just ignore them” then I heard her talk to my partner, who I didn’t realize had return and was practicing behind me. For five more minutes they continued so I looked at them and mouth the words “Fuck You” they eyes about popped out and they turned their attention to some other girls, their friends I’m guessing. Now I have never seen those two ladies before in my life and I was surrounded by allot of other women I did not know, but those two were the only ones who felt the need to make fun of me and my weight. Everyone else was friendly and courteous. I decided not to tell my partner what happen that night so we could just enjoy our dance, we were the third act and afterwards we were able to sit down and enjoyed the rest of the show. I saw those two girls again and I know what there names are now and that they are local girls, but I refuse to name them, because naming them gives them power over me, and that won‘t happen. I never talked to them, but their disgust for me is always evident, at a rehearsal for some shows that were happening last year one smirked then laughed at me in the hall, I left the studio got in the car and was in tears………those tears were made up of frustration and pride. Ever so often I see them at shows, they look at me and talk to each other. I realized to them I’m probably that fat girl that shows up at belly dance venues. Then there is the combination of people who always feel the need to put you in your place and tell you that you’ll never get anywhere with your dancing. I had a client the other day who knows I belly dance and she felt the need to let me know that in her mind belly dancers are beautiful skinny girls and that’s just something I’m not, but in a friendly way. Hey its hurts anyway you say it. What other women have to realize is that even though they might not have issues with their weight like I do or others in the same situation I’m in, this is the shit that does happen to us, we are grown women but we still get made fun of. I know how you feel, its how you take it that makes the difference. None of those people will ever stop me from dancing, they push me down I’ll will come right back up. And having friends I can vent my frustration to and have my back helps tremendously, more then they know. So guess what USuck Town , you can just suck it.
There I face that beautiful Glitter Cover Elephant, My Weight Issue, in every town. No doubt she will always be there and that’s okay with me. Because her being there makes me a stronger person inside and out. Now off to HipShakerVille, the best place on the map.

Misty Waggoner

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